In a world where communication is king, it is ironic how poorly we have evolved in adopting assertive styles of communication. This phenomenon can be seen in many romantic interludes but also surprisingly noted in our interactions with family members, friends and colleagues.
When did verbal manipulation become an acceptable part of our lives?
With the rapid uptick of awareness about narcissism and codependency, it is important to become aware of the nuances of toxic communication and set boundaries to suit.
The questions, “Do we need to talk?” Is the epitome of passive aggressive projections! It denotes that the asker has perceived something about the other person that has created internal tension or outright anxiety. In order to quell that state, they may wonder to themselves how best to respond to their internal processes. But instead of being straight forward and broaching their anxiety, they use a more “round about” aka manipulative stance which immediately provoked anxiety in the receiver of the question, who may or may not be aware of any issue.
A better approach to this sordid query would be to use an I statement, for example, “I wondered why I didn’t hear back from you. Is everything well?” Or “did you have any questions about our conversation last night? I was a bit anxious that you were a bit quiet”.
This takes a level of vulnerability that is not present in many people but especially those that have distorted patterns of communication prevalent in manipulative people.
In order to improve relationships, we must adopt a more cohesive and inviting approach to our anxieties without projecting them onto other people.
The next time you ask, “Do we need to talk?”, make sure you have asked yourself the question first. You might find that internal dialogue beneficial to preservation of that relationship. Thank me later.
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